Strength
by lovecassia
Summary: Air caught in his throat as his lungs faltered. His chest was heavy, as if something was sitting on it and keeping him from breathing in. It ached when he finally did. The air cooled his lungs. He closed his eyes, taking in the silence. It had been two months since it happened, and Bakugo Katsuki finally realizes how he needs to heal. One shot, some fluff, mostly angst.


Author's Note: I read an angst fic the other day and decided I wanted to try my hand at it. I love romance, but man...apparently, I love angst, too. This was just a short one-shot that I wanted to try out on a whim, so I hope you like it!

* * *

 _"Kaachan!"_

Katsuki jumped awake, panting. His skin was pale and clammy, a thin layer of cold sweat clinging to his skin. Izuku's voice seemed to echo in the quiet room. He wasn't sure if his chest hurt or if it was empty; maybe both. His lungs were on fire with each breath. He swallowed hard in an attempt to ease the feeling of cotton filling his mouth.

He took in one final deep breath before looking around the dark room. A faint blue-toned light from the fridge in the next room was the only light source he had. Still, he could see all the pictures still taped to the walls. Pictures of him and….

He frowned and slid out of bed, walking to the kitchen. The apartment was silent besides the hum of his laptop on the kitchen table. He opened a cabinet and stared at the cups inside, trying to discern each one from the other in the dark. A small green and black speckled mug caught his eye. The cabinet thumped closed after he grabbed it and turned towards the coffee maker. He tapped the power button and readied everything as it warmed up.

The smell of coffee and cinnamon mixed in the air. Steam rolled from the cup as it filled almost to the brim. Katsuki watched it intently, knowing that if he focused on anything other than this he would break. He could feel his heartbeat in his fingers, hear it as if it were pulsing directly in his ear. He gripped the mug with both hands the moment it was done, relishing the warmth and bringing the cup to his face and breathing in the sweetness of the two scents mixed together. He closed his eyes as he took a sip, then made his way over to his laptop.

Dark circles lined the bottom of his eyes – this wasn't the first time he'd woken up in the middle of the night and completed this routine. Hell, it was far from it.

He'd been doing this for weeks.

He flipped through videos on the screen. A small smile crept onto his lips as he came across one with a thumbnail of Izuku leaning against a metal rail, looking over a lake in the background. He clicked on it. The sound of a park filled the room.

 _Green, curly hair bounced as the man looked over at the camera. He grinned at the person holding it._

" _Want to get closer to the water?" He asked._

 _The person on the other side of the camera grunted. Izuku grabbed their free hand and pulled them down the paved walkway before looking around them and ducking under the rail. The camera focused on the ground as the person holding it followed him._

" _Look, Kaachan, baby ducks!" Izuku's voice was excited as the camera focused back on him._

" _You act like you've never seen them before, nerd." Katsuki's voice came from behind the camera._

 _Izuku turned back towards the camera, blushing. "I get excited to see you and I see you all the time, Kaachan."_

 _Katskui snorted. "You're a damn idiot."_

 _The camera got closer to Izuku, then turned towards the path they had just left. The screen flipped to a front camera. Izuku and Katsuki's shoulders were touching as they looked up at the camera. A shutter sound overtook the audio for a brief moment before Izuku turned towards Katsuki and kissed him on the cheek. Katsuki rolled his eyes but made sure to capture the image from the video. Izuku's cheeks were red when he pulled back._

" _Don't act like you're embarrassed." Katsuki chided._

 _He grabbed Izuku's shirt collar and pulled him into a kiss. The green haired man melted into the blonde's grip._

The screen went black. Katsuki frowned at the laptop before glancing at the outlet, the cord coiled up on the floor instead of plugged into the wall. He sighed, picking up his cup and making his way into the living room. He dropped himself onto the couch, crossing his legs.

The apartment was quiet again.

He blew into his cup and took a sip from it as he stared at the TV in front of him. When was the last time he'd turned it on? Was it before…then? No.

He could still vividly remember seeing the news reports of it.

Crimson eyes glanced at the remote on the arm of the couch. Surely they stopped reporting on it by now. It had been almost two months since then. Why would they still be reporting on it?

He pressed his lips together and grabbed it. It felt like ice under the warmed skin of his palms. The remote dropped into his lap, he stared at it for a few moments. Another frown etched itself onto his features. Why was this so hard?

He sighed, taking another sip from his mug. He swallowed and leaned his head onto the back of the couch, taking in the warmth of the liquid as it travelled through his chest. Sometimes he could swear that coffee was the only thing to warm him up since…since then.

Air caught in his throat as his lungs faltered at the thought. His chest was heavy, as if something was sitting on it and keeping him from breathing in. It ached when he finally did. The air cooled his lungs. He closed his eyes, taking in the silence.

Would it ever get easier?

His eyes opened and he stared at the ceiling. The pattern was vague in the darkness, but he tried to make out shapes in the dried paint. He sighed after a few minutes and looked across the room at the TV. Maybe…maybe he should try filling the silence with normal TV again.

He glanced at the remote in his lap, then took a deep breath. The remote wasn't as cold when he picked it up this time. It felt fragile under his fingers, though. Like the smallest movement would cause it to crumble. He tentatively hit the power button.

" _Coming up on the two month anniversary of the tragic death of Pro-Hero Deku, we have just learned that officials are making way on finding the villain."_

Katsuki froze. The world around him stopped as the reporter droned on, the words fading into static. His eyes burned as tears pooled before slipping down his cheeks, liquid fire scorching his cheeks as he watched a news rerun of the captured scene from two months prior. He grabbed his chest and leaned into his lap, the mug still half full of coffee dropping to the floor.

His chest still hurt.

Why did his chest still hurt?

The audio from the TV switched to inside the helicopter that it was being filmed from. The sound of the blades above the aircraft filled the room but were soon taken over by the sound of explosions. Katsuki struggled to catch his breath as he listened to the battle on the screen.

More explosions.

" _Deku has been hit!"_ The reporter shouted.

Katsuki's chest shuddered as a sob ripped through him. His arms left his chest so he could cover his eyes.

But instead of darkness, he was met with the battered face of Izuku.

 _Emerald eyes stared up at him, one half-closed from the swelling. Katsuki pulled him into his chest, wiping hair from his face. Izuku gave him a half-hearted smile. He tried to reach up to Katsuki's face but his arm would only raise so far. He dropped it and pressed his lips together._

" _Kaachan..." He whispered. "I had to."_

 _Katsuki shook his head and put a hand on Izuku's cheek. He could feel the tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He couldn't cry. He'd never cried during a fight since they were in high school. And if he cried now, Izuku might know how bad this is._

" _I fucking hate you." Katsuki breathed, pulling the other man into as much of a hug as he could. "I fucking hate you so much."_

 _Izuku coughed, causing Katsuki to lean back. Blood was sitting on the corner of his lips. Katsuki wiped at it in an attempt to get it off, but it only seemed to smear it. He frowned._

" _If it's bad, Kaachan—"_

" _It's not that bad." Katsuki interrupted, his words running together as he hurried to get them out. "That chick Recovery Girl trained can fix it."_

 _Izuku shook his head and smiled up at him. "If it's bad, that's why I pushed you out of the way and took the blow."_

 _Katsuki could feel Izuku's chest pause as his breath hitched, then shudder as he exhaled. He could feel his own chest throbbing. Where was that girl at? Izuku needed a healing quirk. He needed to be fixed. He needed—Katsuki bit his lip._

 _Izuku needed to come home._

" _Kaachan," Izuku paused, taking a few shaky breaths. "Katsuki, I love you."_

" _Don't get sentimental, asshole." Katsuki countered even as a few tears dropped onto the face below his. "You're not dying."_

 _Izuku gave a small smile. "Will you say it anyways?"_

 _Katsuki felt his face scrunch up as he stared at the man he was holding. He shook his head then touched their foreheads together. He studied the emerald eyes that stared back at him. They were still bright, but he could see how weak the other felt._

" _I love you, Izuku." He breathed. "But you're not fucking dying. And I will tell you again tomorrow when you wake up in the hospital bed."_

 _Izuku chuckled weakly. "Thank you."_

Katsuki staggered back into his bedroom, dropping onto the bed and burying his face into his pillow. The TV was still playing in the living room, but he could no longer hear what they were saying. His chest heaved as he screamed into his pillow. He could feel his throat ripping at the force. He didn't care.

Izuku had died in transport to the hospital, even with Healing Hand working as fast and hard on him as she could from the moment she arrived on scene.

After a few minutes, Katsuki's sobs had slowed. He rolled onto his side and stared blankly at the wall across the room. A small digital clock sitting on the desk glared _3:38 am_ in his peripheral vision. His phone lit up on his nightstand. He glanced at.

It was Uraraka.

He sighed and grabbed the device. The screen turned black before he got up the courage to open the message. He bit his lip as he turned the screen back on and opened his messages. His phone vibrated again as he opened their text conversation.

 **Uraraka Ochaco**  
 _3:38 am_ Don't turn on your TV.  
 _3:38 am_ They're playing reruns of the news from back then.  
 _3:39 am_ My offer still stands.  
 _3:39 am_ [Downloading Image]

The image popped up. A smile tugged at his lips. It was an image of when a few of them started at the same hero agency. Uraraka was holding the camera in one hand, flashing the peace sign with the other. Kirishima had his face resting on her shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist. Katsuki had his arms crossed with an eyebrow raised while Izuku had an arm slung around his shoulders and was also flashing a peace sign at the camera. After high school, he and Izuku had ended up getting an apartment together because they wanted to work in the same area of town. Getting jobs at the same hero agency had been an accident, but Izuku wanted a picture on their first day. As they took it, Uraraka and Kirishima had walked into the room. They were also hired with the same agency and, of course, Izuku wanted a picture with them too.

It was before Izuku and Katsuki were officially together. Before Katsuki got used to all the pictures and videos Izuku wanted to take. At first he was vehemently against it. After a few times of being forced into the eye of a camera, he had barked "why are you always taking pictures" as Izuku tried to take one while they were out to eat. Izuku had rubbed the back of his head, his face turning red, as he explained that he didn't really have any with All Might before he passed away and he really regretted it. He went into detail that he wanted to remember all the good times with the people important to him if anything were to happen to them. Katsuki had been caught off guard with that. He grunted and told Izuku to just "take the damn picture already".

He didn't fight the pictures after that.

His phone lit up again.

 **Uraraka Ochaco**  
 _3:52 am_ [Downloading Video]  
 _3:52 am_ Eijiro says the offer still stands, too.

Katsuki rolled his eyes, but opened the video once it loaded. The four of them were in Uraraka's apartment. She and Izuku were laughing about the video game they were playing. Kirishima's laugh was louder than the rest since he was holding the phone. He panned over to Katsuki who was sitting on the couch, just watching them.

" _Bro, why are you being so lame?" Kirishima laughed._

 _Katsuki glanced up at Kirishima then rolled his eyes, not answering._

" _Kaachan!" Izuku shouted. "Kaachan look!"_

He smiled as he watched his own eyes light up as he looked back at Izuku.

 _Izuku was bouncing in his seat as he held his controller up. Uraraka was sitting beside him, somehow laughing and pouting at the same time._

" _I won the game, Kaachan!"_

Katsuki could feel his face soften as the video clip ended. He missed seeing how excited Izuku would get over mundane things like video games. He missed how warm he was to hold when they would fall asleep at night. He missed the butterflies he got in his chest when Izuku would do something irritatingly attractive.

He laid the phone down and rubbed at his eyes.

What a mess he had become.

He had stopped responding to everyone when Izuku had died. His only saving grace was that Uraraka and Kirishima had a key to his place. They brought him food and made him exist outside of his bedroom for the first time a week after Izuku died.

He swallowed.

Uraraka was awake.

Kirishima was awake.

He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. They were still hurting too. He sat up and stared at the phone laying beside him on the bed. He almost felt too weak to hold himself up, his arms shaky under the weight of his torso. Maybe…no, Izuku would've wanted them to heal together. He grabbed the phone, typing something quickly and staring at it for a moment before he hit send.

He took a few seconds to collect himself before he got up to change and head out the door. It had been almost two months since Izuku had died. He missed him. So much, every day, he missed him.

But he was weak alone.

And he wanted to be strong.

For Izuku, he still wanted to be strong.

 **Katsuki**  
 _4:05 am_ Coming over. Be there in 20.


End file.
